There is a theory that men and women get married for different reasons and it goes something like this: Women get married for love and men get married at the “right time”. This translates to women searching for the love of their lives while men marry miss right now, because they are “ready”.
Informally polling my friends throughout the decades has proven this theory mostly correct, and gender specific. However I am far more interested in the repercussions of this on marriage.
Let me say firstly, marrying based on Mr. Right may be the culmination of a savior complex or choosing based on biological and emotional compatibility.
However, marrying Ms. Right now is based on being ready for marriage- readiness identified as having enough financial stability, being tired of the single scene, staving off loneliness, and finding the great caregiver or believing it to be time for them to get married based on age. Sounds cynical but honestly, based on the high divorce rates- mostly initiated by women, marrying based on Ms. Right now may not be a good strategy.
1. High incidence of infidelity in Marriage- in Jamaica this is excused as a ‘cultural norm’ however it exists and may even begin shortly after becoming engaged. Marrying your mate based on it being the ‘thing to do’ rather than commitment to an intimate relationship may doom a marriage from the “I Do”. Your desire for new and exciting women will not be sated in a marriage. It is also not emotionally suitable for women nor any children that may be involved. Having ‘Nuff gyal’ in a marriage or committed relationship may even be a form of mental illness.
2. Ms. Right now may be a reflection of an underdeveloped idea of relationships. This is especially so if you tend to chose the same type of woman despite consistent breakdowns of those relationships. Each relationship we enter into is a chance of interpersonal growth, however if we keep making the same mistake we must investigate our choices through detailed forensics in order to choose more appropriately. If we insist on choosing based on Ms. Right now we may be sabotaging our opportunity for growth. I recall a good male friend, who was deeply unhappy n his 15 year relationship but had proposed to her nevertheless. When I asked why, he replied that she knew him best of all and if he moved to another relationship he would have to start all over again. WOW! He added BTW, because she knew all of his B.S. and so expected it, he never had to explain himself.
3. Those cases of Ms. Right now being a “beard”- a cover for down- low homosexuality and homosexual relationships. This deception inherently exposes the wife to emotional and physiological dis-ease. It also sets up a perpetual lie, which is very stressful on the liar. As the saying goes- to be a good liar you have to have an excellent memory.
4. The above can also be compared to the man who gets married out of political expediency marrying based on who the woman is (real or perceived) or family relationships and who have no intention of remaining faithful. Again setting the scene for years of marital discord, a horrible substitute for honesty.
To be fair, marrying Mr. Right now also sets oneself up for imagination winning over intelligence. Wanting a man to be Mr. Right may preclude insight and foster oversight of behaviors incompatible with commitment and intimacy. Blinding you to the reality of the mate-to-be.
I can think of the scores of women who have married men who they would not chose as a friend. I ask, how can one share a bed, intimate details, much less genitalia for an extended period of time with someone you do not share a friendship with? and how deep is the level of that commitment?
In essence, sharing your life or part of your life with someone else is high risk and should be treated with careful consideration of the person you are with. Neither of these strategies for finding a mate may be effective but the effectiveness is based on the motivations of the people involved.
Relationships offer an opportunity for reflection and growth in an intimate detailed setting. Your mate will know you and your personal habits better than anyone else so make sure they are trustworthy and honest as well as accepting and loving, not to mention, Fun. Marrying your friend is not as far fetched as some would believe.
- Scoping It Out (thirtygoingonthirteen.wordpress.com)